JAN MOIR: Why ban on boozy Brits abroad brings out my inner hooligan

JAN MOIR: Why a ban on boozy Brits abroad brings out the inner hooligan in me

One of the great ironies of life in Great Britain is that while hundreds of thousands risk their lives to live here, hundreds and thousands of Brits are not welcomed abroad.

And the great UK unwanted don’t even want to live abroad or enter countries illegally; they just wish to visit briefly, splash hard-earned cash on the local economy before returning home happy; complete with a tan and a set of nibbles dishes from an overpriced pottery. Yet still we find ourselves superfluous to needs.

British holidaymakers were recently offended by comments from the president of Lanzarote, María Dolores Corujo, who suggested the island wanted to attract ‘higher-quality’ tourists and rely less on boorish Brits. What? Excuse moi? Are the German and the Swedes really so much superior when it comes to holiday etiquette?

Just because Brits fill their pockets with boiled eggs and bread rolls from the breakfast buffet and/or are drunk on giant goblets of gin by 4pm? If that were a sin, you could put half of Europe in tourist jail. I mean, come on Maria, at least our tattoos are spelt rite.

And now Amsterdam’s new campaign – succinctly dubbed ‘Stay Away’ – wants to actively deter British tourists from taking a dip in the warm cultural bath of the Netherlands. I don’t think they mean Gladys and Tom from Cheam who want to look at the tulips and enjoy the glories of the Dutch masterpieces in the Rijksmuseum. Or the school party from Edinburgh who have booked an afternoon at the Anne Frank Museum.

Lucia Escribano, director of tourism for Mallorca, recently announced that the Balearic island is ‘not interested in having budget tourists from the UK’ any more

Amsterdam’s new campaign – succinctly dubbed ‘Stay Away’ – wants to actively deter British tourists from taking a dip in the warm cultural bath of the Netherlands

They mean the free-spending yobs and yobettes on the stag party and hen-do circuit, the demi-ruffians on jollies who frequent the red light districts, sex shops, drugs cafes and bars of Amsterdam, primarily because of decades-long government-sponsored advertising campaigns which have encouraged them to do exactly that.

Now this welcome has worn as thin as a Newcastle bride’s thong, as the shutters are being slammed down.

Be fair – can you blame them? If we are being honest here, we should admit that when travelling abroad most British holidaymakers will do absolutely everything in their power to avoid other British holidaymakers – even the nice ones.

And the horrible ones are utterly without redemption or saving graces. They are a disgrace. Like the 19 British tourists who were fined for jogging naked through the streets of Calvia on Mallorca in 2017. Or the British woman who complained in 2018 that her holiday in Benidorm was ruined because her hotel had ‘too many Spaniards’.

All together now, cringe.

Lucia Escribano, director of tourism for Mallorca, recently announced that the Balearic island is ‘not interested in having budget tourists from the UK’ any more. After taking our money for decades, Mallorca now wants to shake off its reputation as a cheap drink destination by limiting the number of UK tourists.

Oh come off it. Nicole Kidman recently made a film there – perhaps this giddy brush with Hollywood has gone to their heads. Certainly the party town of Magaluf is notorious for bad Brit behaviour, and there is no excusing that. Yet S’Arenal, the German equivalent, never gets mentioned in despatches and, if anything, is even worse.

The rest of the island is posh and expensive and soaked with high-spending Brits. I mean, Andrew Lloyd Webber has a holiday home there, how much more middle-class can it get?

So many of these resorts and tourist areas set themselves up as budget destinations then blame the British when they get matching budget customers. Not all of whom, it goes without saying, behave badly. If holiday bosses want to upgrade their reputations, then they must first upgrade their facilities instead of condemning their customers.

They mean the free-spending yobs and yobettes on the stag party and hen-do circuit, the demi-ruffians on jollies who frequent the red light districts, sex shops, drugs cafes and bars of Amsterdam 

British holidaymakers were recently offended by comments from the president of Lanzarote, María Dolores Corujo, who suggested the island wanted to attract ‘higher-quality’ tourists and rely less on boorish Brits

However, this attitude is rather shocking in a post-pandemic world still reeling from Covid. One might have fondly imagined that businesses and governments across Europe would welcome the return of all tourists, even the British ones. Instead of cherry picking the best-behaved big spenders from the wealthier neighbourhoods of Munich and Stockholm – and barring little old us, boo hoo.

Maybe they have got a point. The Brits are terribly good at being awfully bad; there is an unfortunate hooligan element in the national psyche that does us no favours.

But being barred by the likes of Amsterdam and Lanzarote isn’t going to help anything. In fact, it brings out the inner hooligan in me. I quite fancy smoking a lot of legal drugs and doing a cakewalk down the red light district while singing Rule Britannia before being sick in a bin, which is apparently all the rage.

Meanwhile, I’ve never been to Lanzarote and certainly I’m not going now. They can stick their pompano and extinct volcanos where the sun don’t shine, which unfortunately is not on their gorgeous beaches which enjoy warm weather all year round, dammit.

Camilla overdid the diamonds

A tiara the size of a brick, lobe-stretching earrings and a killer necklace quite possibly visible from Mars? Send me to the Tower if you like, but I do think Camilla rather overdid the diamonds in Berlin.

At a state banquet held in Schloss Bellevue, The Queen Consort clanked into view under her favourite Greville Tiara, which she teamed with a diamond fringe necklace worn by Queen Elizabeth and a pair of earrings worn by Dorian from Birds Of A Feather.

Her busy-busy Bruce Oldfield dress featured embroidered silver leaves and a full skirt, while she had medals pinned on her chest and hip. Good grief. The combined effect made dear old Camilla look like a diamond dalek who’d just been awarded the Grand Order of Liberace from the King of Bling in a circus ring.

As Coco Chanel might have advised royal ladies: before you leave your palace, look in the mirror and take at least one dozen things off. And we all know it is better to be Coco Chanel than Coco Clown. Exterminate, exterminate.

Camilla looked like a diamond dalek who’d just been awarded the Grand Order of Liberace from the King of Bling in a circus ring at a state banquet in Schloss Bellevue

Brooklyn’s dish in the doghouse

Everyone is laughing at Brooklyn Beckham’s latest cooking fiasco; the dolt was wearing a puppy in a sling while making a pot of vegan ragu, which inexplicably had a wine cork bobbing in its gluey depths.

Perhaps Brooklyn thought he was making cork au vin? Perhaps he misunderstood when someone told him everything he cooked was a dog’s dinner. Or perhaps he was trying to get his head around the eternal conundrum of global cuisine; if Italian food is made by Italians and Indian food is made by Indians, who the heck makes dog food?

Doh. If Brooklyn’s bacon sandwiches and cack-handed adventures in the world of food were a spoof, it would be hilarious. Sadly, he seems deadly serious.

So glad to be grey! 

Andie MacDowell (pictured left) is embracing her grey yet again and Dame Helen Mirren (pictured right) recently admitted that she grew out her hair during lockdown and decided she, too, ‘couldn’t be bothered’

Actress Andie MacDowell is embracing her grey – yet again! Andie embraces her grey more often than a nesting river vole embraces her young, but I understand the impetus. The 64-year-old actress says she is ‘tired of trying to be young’ – and let’s be honest, it is exhausting.

Andie was photographed in Paris shooting a L’Oréal ad with Dame Helen Mirren. Helen (77) recently admitted that she grew out her hair during lockdown and decided she, too, ‘couldn’t be bothered’. So she stopped having it cut, despite the fact that older women are not ‘supposed’ to have longer hair. Says who?

Andie’s glorious grey curls are an inspiration to everyone – but come on, is Helen’s unlikely new hair enriched with extensions?

In the mane of God, we need to know.

Some barristers say they will not prosecute peaceful oil protesters. That’s their choice, but I thought barristers were hired to pursue justice, not indulge their personal prejudices. And while these protesters might indeed be peaceful, they are still disrupters who prevent people from going about their lawful business. To stop them or pander to them? I know which side I am on. 

Pass the sick bag, Morag – Heinz has launched a hot cross bun flavoured mayonnaise. Made from mayo, actual bits of toasted hot cross buns, fruit and sweet cinnamon, what are you supposed to do with it? Throw it on your burger before throwing it in the bin?

Heinz has launched a hot cross bun flavoured mayonnaise

To make things even worse, Marks & Spencer has relaunched hot cross buns as a savoury snack. What!!? Its sandwich edition Hot Cross Bun BLT features maple cured bacon, semi-dried tomatoes, lettuce and ‘smoky’ mayonnaise encased in an Extremely Cheesy Hot Cross Bun.

One word – why?

The only acceptable way to eat a hot cross bun is lightly toasted with unsalted butter and a cup of tea. Jam of your choice if you must. This is the hill and the cross I will die on.

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