Does Being "Chill" While Dating Actually Work? 13 People Explain Why It’s Not For Them

It’s easy to look back to centuries or decades past as quaint eras of dating. But TBH, a lot has has changed even within the last five years. One of the main shifts has been toward keeping things "chill" — that is to say, ambiguous AF. "Situationships" and (all the other newfangled words and behaviors that accompany undefined relationships) are the norm. It’s all about going with the flow, lingering in the grey area, and embracing it, even though you secretly want commitment and the labels. So, does being "chill" while dating actually work? The short answer: "No."

Yes, being "chill" can mean being carefree and having an easygoing attitude, both of which are super valuable traits when it comes to dating. But for the most part, chill dating mostly consists of undefined relationships where people aren’t communicating what they really want out of the situation.

As author and dating coach Diana Dorell told Elite Daily, "There is a lot of fear of appearing too eager or desperate for expressing feelings, so the pressure to ‘chill’ is there." So you or the other person goes along with it, even though they’re not happy. And you don’t speak up for what you want out of fear — it’s a vicious cycle. Here are 13 other people in their own words as to why "chill" dating just isn’t the move.

Something’s got to give

— Kristen, 22

Status: It’s Complicated

— jamjhonjam on Reddit

Chilling out backfired

— Hannah, 26

It’s messy

— Kiana*, 23

It will only lead to heartbreak

— SpiritSoul88 on Reddit

Sometimes, you can turn a situationship around

— Alex, 23

But otherwise, it’s emotionally draining

— ayylmaos17 on Reddit

You don’t get the trust and intimacy you might need

— bunsaholic on Reddit

Lack of commitment can really hurt if you’re genderqueer

— Lashelle, 23

It feels like a waste of time

— Iamnotyour_mother on Reddit

There’s always a longing for the other person

— graceem on Reddit

Sometimes, it is what it is

— danicakes on Reddit

Other times, it’s a learning experience

— Brielle,* 23

Unfortunately, when you’re too chill, Dorell explained, you are "at the mercy of the other person and [the] circumstances," All of the confusion and the heartache could have been cleared up if you and the other person had just taken personal responsibility for your experiences. And the bottom line is that more than losing your autonomy in the situation, you’re also just not getting what you deserve! That’s not fair to you.

“Ask yourself if you are holding back and accepting certain behaviors that really warrant a red flag in the name of being ‘chill,’" Dorell adds. "Like someone being an hour late to a date without communicating why."

Situationships can work for some people — and even if they don’t work, they can be turned around. But for the most part, if "chill" means ambiguous or passive instead of standing up for what you want? "Chill" dating just ain’t it.

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