Trump’s Being Impeached Again, So It Must Be Groundhog Day

Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.

Someone Sees His Shadow

“Well, guys, it must be Groundhog Day because we’re living through Trump’s impeachment again,” Jimmy Fallon said on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”

Fallon and most of the other late-night hosts delved into the House Democrats’ brief alleging that former President Donald Trump was “singularly responsible” for the Capitol riot last month. Rudy Giuliani was heartbroken, according to Fallon: “Singularly responsible? What — what am I, chopped cigars?”

“This morning, House Democrats released their trial brief, which argues ‘the former president is singularly responsible for the violence and destruction that unfolded in our seat of government on January 6,’ as he ‘summoned a mob to Washington, exhorted them into a frenzy, and aimed them like a loaded cannon down Pennsylvania Avenue.’ Yes, they were in a frenzy, and by the look of it, some of them were clearly loaded.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“After that, Trump’s legal team filed a brief that claims that he isn’t responsible. It wasn’t that hard to write. His lawyers just copied and pasted his defense from the last impeachment: Control-F ‘Ukraine,’ replace with ‘riot.’” — JIMMY FALLON

“The brief opens with a simple timeline of the facts: The president refuses to accept the results of the 2020 election, the president incites insurrectionists to attack the Capitol, insurrectionists incited by the president attack the Capitol, the president is derelict of duty during the attack. OK, that checks out. He is a derelict, and they smeared the Capitol with doody.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“The disgraced former president’s team argued that he cannot be convicted by the Senate, because he is no longer in office. So, OK, once you leave a job, you’re immune from prosecution? ‘Cannibalism? Nice try, your honor, but I don’t even work at White Castle anymore.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“On the very first page of their first legal filing, they wrote, ‘to the honorable members of the Unites States Senate.’ They misspelled ‘United States.’ And we’re off!” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“There was actually a typo on the first page of the Trump brief, but I’m sure it was a long, complicated legal term. Nope, it’s just — just the name of our country, that’s it.” — JIMMY FALLON

“Yes, the ‘Unites States Senate,’ both Republicarnts and Democrabs.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

The Punchiest Punchlines (Punxsutawney Edition)

“You know how we keep saying that every day in this pandemic feels like Groundhog Day? Well, today it really did.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Pennsylvania groundhog Punxsutawney Phil today saw his shadow, which in Covid times means six more weeks of February.” — SETH MEYERS

“I’m just glad we’re still holding up wild rodents. Clearly, we’ve learned a lot about public health from the pandemic.” — JIMMY FALLON

“But it seems Punxsutawney Phil has been spending lockdown like the rest of us, because he came out in stretchy pants eating a tube of cookie dough.” — JIMMY FALLON

“For the love of God, Phil. I can’t take it! I don’t want to be stuck inside six more weeks staring at snow outside the window. I am ready to be stuck inside staring at rain outside the window.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“I know you think it’s just a cute little tradition, but I don’t know if you’ve noticed, the rest of us are out here in a life-or-death battle over anti-science psychopaths taking over our government. So it really doesn’t help our case that we’re out here using animals to predict the weather, because it’s hard to make fun of Marjorie Taylor Greene and her Jewish space lasers while you supposed blue staters are wearing top hats and gathering around a hole in the ground waiting to find out if you can book tee times based on which way a woodchuck scurries.” — SETH MEYERS

“I’m all for this nonpolitical news, but this whole thing is getting a little silly, isn’t it? I mean, top hats and scrolls, wall-to-wall coverage? It’s a groundhog; it’s not a royal wedding. Biden’s inauguration didn’t get this much attention.” — JIMMY FALLON

“Due to the pandemic, instead of any groundhog groupies, the audience was packed with cardboard cutouts. Well, then that means there were no proper witnesses. I demand a hand recount of the groundhog. Stop the shadow! Storm Gobbler’s Knob!” — STEPHEN COLBERT

The Bits Worth Watching

Trevor Noah talked about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instagram Live detailing the congresswoman’s terrifying experience during the riot at the Capitol.

What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night

The dancer, singer and hair bow aficionado JoJo Siwa will appear on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”

Also, Check This Out

The “Anything for Selena” podcast celebrates the Tejano singer Selena’s continuing impact on popular culture.

Source: Read Full Article