Satan Is Freezing His Ass Off Today, Because Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Have Agreed On A (Possibly Temporary) Child Custody Agreement

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were married from August 2014 to September 2016 when she took a sledgehammer to the holy kingdom of Brangelina by filing for divorce. They’re still married, so their divorce fight has lasted longer than the damn marriage, and that’s mostly because they’ve been shanking at each other over custody of the child army. It was reported that St. Angie wanted full physical custody of their six children with Brad getting visitation rights (a St. Angie source later claimed she didn’t want full custody, uh huh).

Because St. Angie and Brad kept fighting over the custody situation and couldn’t agree on what to do, they were headed for a trial on December 4. Story after story came out about the trial, and some said they both were trying to avoid it while other sources said that Angie was slathering her face with holy water-infused Crisco and was ready to fight Brad in court and drag him for being a bad dad (who turns the friendly skies into the RAGEY SKIES!!! by drunkenly yelling at the kids on private planes). But we’re not going to hear stories about how a judge was struck down by God’s lightning bolt for having the audacity to disagree with St. Angie about something, because she and Brad have signed their names on a custody agreement. An agreement that would be confidential if something called “sources” didn’t exist.

Angie’s latest lawyer Samantha Bley DeJean gave this statement to Entertainment Tonight:

“A custody arrangement was agreed to weeks ago, and has been signed by both parties and the judge. The agreement, which is based on the recommendations of the child custody evaluator, eliminates the need for a trial. The filing and details of the agreement are confidential to protect the best interests of the children.”

And this is where those “sources” come in. One source tells People that the agreement is only temporary but that it keeps things moving. And a “source close to Brad,” called up UsWeekly and took a messy fart on that “details of the agreement are confidential to protect the best interests of the children” thing by giving up the supposed details of the agreement.

“Brad and Angelina will have joint physical and legal custody of the children. Over a period of the next six to eight weeks, the monitored visits will come to a conclusion. The children will immediately begin to have overnight visits with their father. The monitors will be in place for those first overnight visits, and this was done at Brad’s request. Brad recognizes this is going to be a change from what the norm had been and wants to make the transition as smooth as possible.”

So if People’s source is telling the truth, they still have to agree on a permanent custody situation, and also figure out how many coins Brad is going to toss into poor Angie’s checking account so that she doesn’t have to resort to eating dirt sandwiches and begging her Angeloonies for money through a GoFundMe. In other words, they’re probably going to be going at it until the holy twins, Knox and Vivienne, poke at them and say, “Okay, you two messes can stop now, it’s our 18th birthday.”


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