Happy New Year From Anderson Cooper Burning On The Inside From Tequila

Meanwhile on CNN… as Jane Curtin declared that her New Year’s resolution is to dance on the grave of the Republican party after it dies, tequila nearly killed Anderson Cooper.

Andy Squared were back to hosting New Year’s Eve on CNN last night, and when I turned it on for a second, literal daddy-to-be (he’s expecting a boy, by the way) Andy Cohen was throwing a dramatic ass fit about some truly riveting umbrella drama, so I switched the channel. But apparently I missed the gift of The Silver Fox’s face contorting into “Mr. Burns while getting rimmed by a shark” every time he took a shot of tequila.

My throat walls are so charred from booze that I could do a shot of gasoline and be like, “Hmm, soothing.” But not Anderson Cooper. He hardly ever drinks, and so when a load of the Mexican sweet nectar hit the back of his throat, he couldn’t take it and sounded like a parrot watching the Screech sex tape for the first time. Andy complained that it was burning his lungs. Yeah, that’s the point!

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